Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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