It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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