I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Randomize
