Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize