I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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