wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
