Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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