So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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