May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
