grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
