so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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