she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
You're a waste of cheezeits
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
