Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
