I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
We just shotgunned beers for America
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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