so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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