wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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