Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
