Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
