I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
