You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
