the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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