Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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