The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
