At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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