he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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