How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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