is your mom at the bar?
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
