i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
