Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
