and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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