This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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