In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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