brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
