but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
