On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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