I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
