Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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