I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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