i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
