Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize