My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
