so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I've blown a few things in my day
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
