Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
