im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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