What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
