at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
its liver damage thursday
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
