I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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