a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
