Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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