Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
