I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
