Soap is not a condiment
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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