Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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