she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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