Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Randomize
