marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
just tell him i said nine months
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
