It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
