your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
