It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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