Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
